Suki Blue Fiction

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Chapter 28

Xander stretched beneath the bed covers and rubbed groggily at his tired eyes. Life as a Scooby, as the Slayer’s companion and potential cannon fodder was sometimes hard and occasionally exhausting. Last night – no, the entire last week – had been like that. Fledges galore, a resurgence of the Vamps in Robes and one particularly nasty Flobber demon. Xander was achy, sore, missing a small patch of hair at the back of his head, way behind on his homework and, to top it all off, he was missing a particular blond vampire.

Throwing the covers back, Xander sat up with tumultuous effort and planted his feet solidly on the new carpet. He wriggled his toes in the deep pile and vaguely wondered how long it would take for him to ruin his parents’ latest buy. If he didn’t trail mud and Flobber slime all over it, he would likely spill OJ. Still, he’d be willing to stake his life savings – three dollars and ninety four cents – that either his mom or dad would spill first.

Xander snagged his towel from the floor and staggered all the way to the bathroom. He paused at the top of the stairs and shook his head at the small patch of red adorning the third step down. Cream. Why buy cream? While Xander showered, brushed his teeth and fought with his hair, he tried to keep his mind on that wondrous question rather than thinking about how much he missed Spike.

Breakfast consisted of Lucky Charms and toast that nearly wasn’t burned thanks to a new and improved shiny toaster with multiple buttons.

“Late, late, late,” his father grumbled on his way to the table to snatch the last piece of toast. He kissed his wife quickly on the cheek and attempted to ruffle Xander’s hair; it felt more like two bangs on the head and Xander sighed and went back to the bathroom to tackle his hair again.

When Xander made it school, Willow and Buffy were waiting for him. He hopped off his skateboard, silently congratulating himself on his best dismount yet, and waved at his girls.

“We thought you were going to be Tardy Boy today,” Buffy said.

Xander put on his shocked face. “And miss the pleasure of English class?”

“Did you finish the book?” Willow asked him. She hooked her long, red hair behind one ear, returning her hand to the shoulder strap on her bag.

“Are you kidding? The Merchant of Venice is my middle name-s.”

Buffy smiled, looking away and squinting at the sun in her eyes. “So that’s a no?”

“Actually,” Xander said, straightening up and puffing out his chest, “for once, it’s a yes.”

The girls looked shocked and Xander didn’t blame them. CliffNotes had been his lifelong friend, but for once he’d cast laziness to the wind and read the set book. It was another reason he’d been feeling so bleary eyed lately. After getting his ass kicked on patrol every night, he’d gone home and found himself blinking up at a darkened ceiling instead of sleeping. He started off telling himself that he was just wired from all the vampires and the dices with death, but really it was for a different reason. It had been nearly two weeks since Spike had tapped on his window and greeted him with a kiss that had made him groan with need and told him that he was going away on business with Angel.

The school bell rang and they quickened their pace. Xander could tell that Buffy was missing Angel, too, but, unlike her, he couldn’t openly admit to anything.

Xander spent English class wondering for the thousandth time what sort of business they were on. Spike hadn’t explained much, and had been annoyingly cryptic. He had reassured Xander that “No, I’m not bloody doing anything evil!” and promised to reveal all when he and Angel got back.

After that the day went a little quicker than usual. Cordelia’s boyfriend, Mitch, was attacked by a baseball bat and Harmony was pushed down a flight of stairs. Both were hospitalised. Things were looking up, Xander thought. Giles kept him busy with a ton and a half of research and at the end of the day it was decided that Sunnydale High had fallen victim to an invisible girl. They would work out more tomorrow.

“You’re being quiet again,” Willow observed. They were sitting on Xander’s bed. Around them were scattered various school books, research books from Giles’ lock-up and several half-empty cartons of Chinese food.

“Yeah. Wills? Can I tell you something?” Xander lowered his fork and Willow did the same with her chopsticks. She blinked at him like she was expecting something big and gave him her full attention.

“I…”

“What is it?” Willow encouraged. She lowered her voice and leaned towards him. “Is it your parents?”

Xander looked up from where he’d been staring at his noodles. “What? No, no, not…that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” Xander nodded and reached to briefly squeeze her hand where it was touching his knee. “There’s just…something I need to tell you.” Oh, gods, was he really going to do this? Was he about to tell his best friend he was gay? He felt his heart beating faster and his mouth going dry.

“You can tell me anything. Are you in trouble?”

Xander rolled his eyes. “Why do you always think I’m in trouble?” He meant the question to sound sharp, but it came out more like a whine.

“Oh, I don’t! Really, I don’t! It’s just me and my paranoid brain. You know me, always thinking the worst, like that time in first grade with the-”

“Finger paints,” Xander finished. Yeah, I remember.” It was a time of phases for Xander, and that particular phase had involved him eating anything red, which included red finger paints. Even though all the teachers had insisted it was non-toxic, Willow had still panicked to point of hyperventilation and the teacher had to call an ambulance anyway.

“What I mean is,” Willow said, “I don’t think you’re always in trouble; I just love you so much that I immediately think the worst.”

Their eyes locked and Xander felt his heart break a little. It was now or never. “Willow, I’m gay.”

She didn’t move. Xander shifted his position on the bed, looking away and unfolding his crossed legs. When he looked back at her, she still hadn’t moved.

“As in happy?” The corners of her lips lifted, ready to smile. They stopped when Xander shook his head.

“As in gay. As in liking other guys.”

Willow’s eyes sparkled. She looked away from him and fiddled with her chopsticks, picking them up, putting them down and picking them up again. Her mouth was open and Xander could hear her breath quickening as she tried to keep control.

“Wills? Please say something. Tell me what’s going in that big ol’ Willow-shaped brain.” He reached out again to maybe touch her hair or pat her head, but she flinched away and stood, her fists clenched and her whole body rigid with tension.

“You’re a homo?”

It was like a punch to the gut and Xander felt his own eyes stinging with tears.

“-sexual?” Willow quickly finished, her expression stricken. “I didn’t mean… I mean… I mean, I meant that…? You’re gay? How long have you been gay? Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Uh-”

“Do you?! Oh my god, you do! Who is it? But I thought that we…” Her tears flowed freely down her cheeks now and she scrubbed furiously at them. “Get out.”

Xander nodded. He’d expected this, he had. He’d been preparing for this for a while. He knew that she loved him. How else was she going to take it? It wasn’t her fault. It was his fault. He’d let her fawn over him for too long. He’d let her carry on hoping when all the time it never could have been. “Um, if you want me to leave,” he said slowly, “I can. But this is kind of my bedroom, so…”

“Oh! Oh, yes, I knew that.” Willow grabbed for her school bag and dragged it across the bed, knocking over a carton of noodles and spilling them onto the new carpet.

Ah, less than a week it had taken him to ruin it. He laughed ruefully, stopping when Willow glared at him.

“You think this is funny?” she asked.

“What? No, I was laughing at the carpet. The noodles?” He pointed to the other side of bed where the offending noodles lay.

“Noodles? This isn’t a time for noodles! How could you do this to me?”

“Excuse me? Do what to you, exactly? Tell you who I am? What, you think I’m telling you my biggest, most life changing secret just to upset you? Get over yourself!”

Willow stuffed her books back into her bag, her hands shaking and making the job harder than it should have been. Her mouth was set in a hard line and her refusal to even so much as look at him fuelled Xander’s sudden rage.

“I can’t help feeling like this, Willow! It’s not like I have a choice!”

“Of course you’ve got a choice,” she said, her furious eyes snapping to meet his. “You’d just rather be with another man than me.”

His rage melted at Willow’s last sobbed words. He nodded slowly and tried extra hard not to cry. “Yeah, I would. And you know what? I’m not sorry. I love you, but not like that. I can’t love any woman like that.”

“But Buffy-”

“I was kidding myself,” Xander interrupted. “I’m not jonesin’ for Buffy. I never did. I just wished I was.”

Willow stood with her bag hanging heavily from one hand, both her and Xander’s books and a few noodles stuffed hastily inside. “So do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Have a boyfriend.”

Xander looked down at his luminous green socks. When he looked back up he was smiling faintly. He couldn’t help it when he thought about Spike. It was automatic, like a dog wagging its tail at a biscuit. “Yeah, I do.”

“Oh.” Willow sniffed. “What’s he like?”

Xander shrugged. “He’s nice. Sort of. Well, he’s nice to me.”

“So is he…?” Willow sobbed again and turned her back, her sleeve obviously wiping across her damp nose. “I’m sorry, Xand. I… I can’t do this.” She bolted for the door, leaving it swinging in her wake.

Xander closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady himself. That definitely could have gone better, he thought. But also, it could have gone a lot worse. At least she’d seemed to try. She loved him, and he had to remember that. He just wished he hadn’t gotten so mad with her. He opened his eyes and decided he should get something from the kitchen to clean up the carpet. Maybe dish soap would work. It wasn’t until he got three paces down the hall that he noticed his dad paused in the bathroom doorway.

“Dad?” Xander cursed the wobble in his voice. “What are you doing home?” He tried to smile cheerfully but wasn’t sure he’d pulled it off.

“I do live here, Alexander.”

“Oh. Yeah. Of course. I mean, you’re early.”

Tony nodded. “That I am.”

Xander nodded back at him. “Um, you didn’t hear any of that, did you?”

Tony stared at him and after a moment Xander wondered if his dad was ever going to look away. Finally, Tony shook his head. “I didn’t hear anything.” He turned his back and shut the bathroom door behind him with a firm but quiet click.

Xander raised shaking hands to his face. More than anything, right now, he wanted Spike.

TBC…