Suki Blue Fiction

Stage 1 - Attraction - From Africa to LA

The attraction had always been there; at least it had been on my part. On Angel’s part? Probably not so much. I think he found me irritating. And who didn’t? Let’s just be honest here. I annoyed just about everybody at some point. I just couldn’t help myself. I’d like to blame jealousy, or defensive behaviour caused by some deep-seated childhood trauma, but I can’t. The only trauma I suffered as a child was when my dad sat on my favourite Transformer. It took him a week to buy me a new one. That was one tough week.

Like I said, I always thought Angel was hot. But I felt like kicking his ass into the Pacific a few times, too. As much as I was attracted to him, I totally acknowledged that he was a useless lump at times.

So, anyway, a few months ago I found myself returning from Africa in desperate need of a break. Finding Slayers was easy enough, but jeez; teenage hormones, tantrums and night-time girlie talks were really exhausting.

I ended up in LA. No rest for the wicked. Apparently. There was a Slayer who’d gone ga ga and Giles needed someone to go represent the Council at Wolfram and Hart and help bring her back.

How could I have turned that down? Not only would I get the chance to wind up Angel, but I could stare at his ass all day, too. Everyone’s a winner. Well, maybe just me. But seriously, I was kind of curious about what he was like now. It had been a long time since I’d seen him and I found myself in need of a sneak peek.

Wow, he’d really bulked up some. I loved it. He made me instantly hard. Sitting down at the conference table was all good; never been so glad to be on my ass. I observed that he stayed sitting down, too.

I barely noticed Spike. It was only once I’d gotten back to my hotel room and jerked off in the shower that I was able to climb down from my Angel high and realise that the bleached annoyance was back from the Beyond. Some guys just never stay dead.

Then, after the Slayer was caught and Spike got armless instead of legless, I made a decision. Giles didn’t really need me to recruit Slayers; they had plenty of other guys to do that. But the Council did need a spy. Wolfram and Hart was a worry, especially with Angel in charge. They didn’t trust him.

But I did. I always had, no matter what I might have said.

So I made the call. I talked to Angel and I was ninety nine percent honest with him. I told him that the Council wanted me to stay and work with him and I just wanted a change of scenery. I left out the bit about my attraction to him.

The total shocker was how quickly he agreed.

Maybe he dug the eye patch.

Stage 2 - Romance - And They Call It Puppet Love

It was supposed to be a romantic evening. Dinner, a moonlit walk followed by a nightcap. No sex, though. I like my soul where it is and my friends still in one piece.

There were plans in motion to remove my curse - a spell - but those things took time. We needed to be sure it would take. I wasn’t taking any risks with Xander; my feelings for him were too strong already. So instead we talked for long hours, kissed until dawn and longed for the day that we could take things further.

So, anyway, we had a date.

Dates were rare in these parts. Business at Wolfram and Hart kept us both busy and time for just us was thin on the ground. However, the romantic evening was more than a little marred by the fact that I was suddenly a puppet. Still, at least Xander had a good time. Apparently it was fun to repeatedly take my nose off and try to stick it elsewhere.

I asked back at the office if he’d still love me if I stayed a puppet forever. He smiled, trailed his fingers over my felt covered face and declared that if I had to remain a puppet forever he’d find a way to become a puppet too.

I knew then that I loved him. And that I was going to kill Spike if he didn’t stop pretend-yacking from behind us.

That night was the first night that Xander slept in my bed. I fell asleep in his arms and awoke back to my old self. The sight of him still clutching my felt nose in his hand just made me love him more.

It also made me wish I had a magic mirror.

Stage 3 - Passion - Beyond

Really, it couldn’t have come at a worse time. But maybe it was the best time.

Fred was gone and Illyria was the new weirdness in our lives. Wesley…I don’t know what to say about him. He’d lost the woman he loved yet her image still stared him in the face everyday. I don’t understand how he coped. I couldn’t if I lost Angel that way.

Gunn was gone. Spike said he was in some ‘holding dimension.’ I wasn’t sure what that meant at the time. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

Then the call came.

Angel’s curse was no more.

Some major-ass mage – one of Wolfram and Hart’s, of course – had been working for months to lift it. And finally it was done. Just like that. No warning, no more waiting. Just done.

We found out the day that Angel found out something else, too.

The Apocalypse had already begun. Wolfram and Hart had tried to distract us, running us in circles that we thought mattered and filling our in-trays with endless good to be done and wrongs to be righted. And then this. A totally blatant distraction.

Didn’t mean it wasn’t welcome, though.

I never thought it would feel like it did, so powerful, so consuming. My body became his and his became mine. I never wanted it to end, never wanted to feel empty again.

Now, I’m no man-slut. I hadn’t been with a guy before so I totally expected to get the jitters. And, yeah, there was a moment of ‘OhmygodohmygodI’mabouttohavesexwithaguy,” but then I remembered who that guy was. He was Angel, my Angel, my hot vampire. From the moment he put his hands on me, I knew it would be perfect.

And, fuck, it was so much more than that. The way he touched me. The way he stroked my skin and kissed my lips.

It was all way beyond perfect happiness.

Perfect togetherness.

Perfect passion.

We made love all night and limped through the next day. Yeah, it was a distraction, but, god, we needed it so badly. Everything seemed to be falling apart; our lives were slipping away and there wasn’t a damn thing we could do except watch Wolfram and Hart pull us further into despair.

But what they thought would make us weaker and drive us further away from the truth actually made us stronger.

It made us believe we could win.

Love conquers all. And makes you blind? Or is that something else…?

Stage 4 - Intimacy - Together

I wondered how long it would take for Xander to work it out. And he would; I knew that. As much as he liked to play to fool, he’s always been far from stupid. His clown act annoyed me once; I knew there was a smart boy beneath the clumsy gait and childish grin, but I thought that Xander was hiding him. And I guess he kinda was, but it wasn’t because he was afraid of revealing his true self, it was just the way he was. And is. While his mouth runs at a hundred miles an hour, his brain is thinking, ticking, observing.

He fools people, he lures people. He can make an idiot out of them with a click of his fingers.

I like that.

Especially when he does it to Spike.

So I decided to wonder no more. I decided to tell him the truth. He was already looking at me sideways, casting suspicious glances when no-one else was watching. I had to tell him. I owed him that.

I owed him everything. These last few years have been hard, and life at Wolfram and Hart had been even harder, but Xander came into my life and took some of the weight from my shoulders. He captured my heart and shared my turmoil and darkness, my joy and satisfaction.

We’d always been intimate, very much. Lots of much, as Xander would say. But that moment was the most intimate moment ever. After we’d made love I cast a glamour to keep out prying ears and then I told him about The Circle of the Black Thorn. I told him about what I’d done and what I intended to do to get into that circle.

Then I held him in my arms and asked him to give his life to help me.

It made me feel sick when he accepted.

But I had to do it. I had a part to play and I knew that he did too. To shut him out from that would have been the most hurtful thing I could ever have done. I could never have hurt him like that.

We had to stop the Senior Partners. This was the only way. This was the only way to make a difference, a dent, to create a fly in the ointment. It would be worth it.

So we plotted together – how I would infiltrate the Circle, gain their trust and then slaughter them one by one. Together, we would tell the others when the time was right.

To take on the Senior Partners was certain death. We had no idea what wrath would come down on us. We were both scared, really scared.

We were scared that we wouldn’t be able to find each other on the other side.

Stage 5 - Commitment - The One With the Dragon

I’d made some weird choices in my time. And some bad ones. But I’ll never regret the choice and commitment I made leading up to that day.

I was beyond scared. All of us were.

Wesley was dead and that sealed our fear and stamped it in place with a size thirteen boot.

I would have given anything to kiss Angel one last time, hug Gunn and tell Illyria that I thought she was way cool. I would have given anything to tell Spike that I didn’t really hate him. I never had.

But it was too late.

They came and they were right there. Angel had been so right. There was no way out now and, hell, we didn’t want out. We wanted to stand our ground and fight for Wesley, Cordelia, Doyle, Jesse. We wanted to fight for all those that had been touched and destroyed by evil.

Corny much? Yeah, so? I’d had my eye gouged out by evil; I was allowed to be corny.

And I was determined to enjoy myself and make Angel proud before I died. And I did.

Gunn didn’t make it. But I guess that was inevitable. He was in bad shape before we even started. By the time we finished it was too late. He was long gone.

Illyria died too. But not before she executed some incredible moves. And a few bad guys. She went with a shit-eating grin on her face.

Spike and Angel were beautiful to watch. And funny. You know, they argued even right up to the end. Apparently, Spike wanted to slay the dragon, too.

So did I. I didn’t tell them that, though. Hey, I got to behead a weird chicken demon that looked like Dick Clark, so I was happy.

And then the end came. I don’t remember that bit.

I was dead.

But not for long.

Angel and Spike survived the fight. The way Spike tells it, Angel held me in his arms and cried, begged the evil to come back and swallow him whole. So Spike called him a ponce and knocked him out. Then Spike did something that still makes Angel glare at him, and makes Angel smile secretively whenever he turns his back.

I had my soul back within a few days – thanks again to Wills – but I didn’t kill anyone. Angel had me chained up. Heh. I kinda enjoyed that. And being evil for three days was definitely an experience. I found it bizarre that I’d suddenly developed an absolute hatred for anything pink. I dunno why.

Angel and I still live in LA. Spike’s here somewhere, too. He pokes his head around the door to wind up Angel now and again. I got to tell him that I never hated him.

And I got to kiss Angel.

Forever.

The End