Suki Blue Fiction

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As apocalypses went, Xander really wasn’t enjoying this one.

His boyfriend was grumpy, Angel was growly, Buffy was swinging her sword a little too enthusiastically and Cordelia was apparently menstruating.

Xander sat in the corner out of everyone’s way. After a few minutes, Fred joined him. “Hey,” she said. “It’s pretty horrible out there, isn’t it?”

Xander nodded and popped a bite-sized Oreo in his mouth. He offered the bag to Fred. “Yeah, the rain of toads was bad enough. I really don’t think the rain of cows is an improvement. Willow really needs to learn her dung-coated fig leaves from her wormwood.”

Fred nodded enthusiastically. “You got that right. But actually, I meant it’s horrible in the lobby.”

“Oh, you mean the tension? Yeah, definitely sucks. Hence my retreat. Believe me, I can only make things worse.” Xander was sad. He’d been due to debut this weekend as Gotham’s newest hero. But now it was all ruined. Could it get any worse?

“I think he’s the one who’s going to make it worse,” Fred said.

Xander looked up and groaned. “Oh, no. Who called in the Blond Ambition?”

“Spike,” Angel greeted.

“Peaches,” Spike greeted back. “Buffy tells me you’ve got something you can’t handle. Figures.”

Xander made his way back to the group. “Spike.”

“Xander.”

Spike looked over at Wesley. “Wesley.”

Xander looked at Willow and Tara. They’d been doing research in Angel’s office and had just finished. “Willow,” Xander greeted. “Tara.” He felt Batman move to stand behind him. “Sweetheart.”

Batman returned the greeting. “Darling.”

Spike turned and nodded to Willow, Buffy and Batman consecutively. “Pet, ducks…bat? What the fuck are you supposed to be?”

Batman stepped forward and puffed up his chest. “I’m…”

“The goddamn Batman. Apparently,” Angel finished. “He’s with Xander.”

Spike looked Batman up and down. “With Harris? Condolences, mate.”

Xander cringed when Spike’s body hit the wall with a crunch and a slightly sad squeak.

“Oi! I was only bloody joking!”

Batman looked to Xander for confirmation. At Xander’s nod, Batman said, “Apologies.”

“If you’re gonna hit anyone,” Xander said, “hit Angel. He’s really annoying and I don’t like him.” His voice dropped to a stage whisper. “And he turns evil sometimes and tries to kill us.”

There was an inevitable scrap. This led to Xander sitting back in his corner with Fred, and Batman and Angel skulking in opposite corners of the lobby.

Suddenly, a cow hurtled through the hotel doors with an almighty moo. It careered though the lobby with kicking legs and a surprised expression and came to a halt against the back wall.

“This is getting out of hand,” Spike said. “That poor cow.”

“It doesn’t look hurt,” Xander said.

Spike rolled his eyes. “I meant Tara. It landed on her bloody foot!”

“Spike’s right,” Buffy said. “And I really can’t believe I just said that. We’re heroes, champions. We’re the only things standing between the world and its total destruction. I say we get out there and we fight, like we always do. There’s nothing we can’t face if we face it together. Right? Guys? Hey! WAKE UP!”

Xander rubbed at his eyes. “Sorry, Buffster. Nodded off for a bit, there. What were you saying?”

“It’s over. It’s all over,” Batman said.

Xander looked over at his boyfriend. “What?”

Buffy shook her head. “No. It’s not over. Who the hell do you think you are? I’ve led these people for more years than I can remember – and because I’m really crappy with the math – and I know we can win this. We can triumph. We must stand united! We must…!”

Batman heaved a sigh. “No, I mean it’s over. No more cows.”

They all rushed to the windows as the last cow splatted to the ground.

“He’s right,” Wesley said. “I think it really is over. But how…?”

Xander left the others to hash out the details. “Can we go home now?” he asked Batman.

“Of course.” Batman reached out and clasped Xander’s shoulder. “Perhaps we can squeeze in some more training. There’s much work-”

“-to be done, yeah, got that,” Xander interrupted. He displayed his sweetest smile and pointed at the cow that had previously been on Tara’s foot and was now busy chasing Angel around the lobby. “Can we keep her?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Oh, please! I feel really sorry for her. I promise to feed her everyday!”

“No.”

“Please!”

“No.”

“Please!”

“No.”

“Please!”

“No.”

It was a bit of a squeeze but Xander and Batman finally managed to cram Daisy the Batcow in the Batmobile with them.

“Alfred’s gonna be so pissed.”

“You scared?” Xander asked.

Batman nodded. “A little bit.”

“Me too.”

**