Suki Blue Fiction

Back

Rubber hammers weren’t funny at all, Xander decided. In fact, being struck around the head by one was actually quite painful. The Joker was so going down for that – uh, next time they caught up with him.

Xander didn’t entirely understand how the hell these guys kept getting away. One minute the Joker and his crazy-ass girlfriend, Harley Quinn, were safely tucked away within the walls of Arkham Asylum and the next the Joker was planting bombs in toy stores while Harley was having the bells on her hat polished.

Crazy, crazy, Gotham. But Xander wasn’t going to swap it for the world – not for all the tea in China or all the coffee in Wal-Mart.

Xander was The Dark Swallow. Trained to fight by Batman, trained to jump and leap and roll by Nightwing and trained to pun by Robin, Xander was the best he could be. And that was pretty damn good. He suspected he could even take Buffy. Not that he would try.

It was the dead of night and much of Gotham slept. The streets were quiet and one could be forgiven for thinking they were peaceful. But Xander knew better. Shadows lurked and evil prowled. The narrow streets and winding alleys were splattered by blood, old and new, and in every corner – in every nook and cranny – malevolence and hatred waited.

But, no vampires! Yay! That was a definite squee factor.

Xander swung wide and braced. He landed softly and retracted his line. “Hey.”

Batman nodded at him and turned back to give his city his full attention.

“Anything happening?” Xander asked.

“Calm before a storm.”

“Oh. Came out with your Cape of Ultimate Pessimism, did you?” Xander grinned.

Batman ignored the comment. “Why are you here?”

“Just passing,” Xander said.

“You should be back at the Cave. You have a head wound.”

On reflex, Xander touched a gloved hand to the side of his head. It still felt pretty sore. “Oh, man, no way. I am not going sick from a rubber hammer. Robin would never let me live it down.”

Batman looked at him then and Xander was pleased to note a touch of concern – or possibly indigestion, in which case, not so good. “Pride will get you killed. This is war. If you show weakness, the people of Gotham will descend and tear you apart.”

“I’m not weak. I just got hit, is all.”

“You fell in the line of duty,” Batman argued.

“No, I fell in the line at Krispy Kreme. How was I supposed to know The Joker liked doughnuts?”

Batman’s voice took on a deadly serious tone. “Everyone likes doughnuts. Never forget that.”

Xander looked down at his boots in shame. “I know,” he whispered. “Forgive me?” He looked up and gave Batman the most stricken expression he could muster.

Batman held open his arms and closed them when Xander moved in. “Of course, my love. Just remember to duck next time.”

“I’ll try. It was a pretty big hammer, though.”

“Batman.” The voice of former Batgirl, Barbara Gordon, rang loud and clear in their ears.

“Oracle,” Batman said. “Go ahead.”

“We have a problem down at the corner of Fifth and Main.”

“Tell me about it,” Xander said. “There’s absolutely no parking. I couldn’t find anywhere to put Daisy.”

“I thought I told you to leave that cow at home,” Batman scolded.

“But she’s the Batcow! We can’t leave her behind!”

“She isn’t trained yet.”

“She is, too! She hasn’t grazed on Alf’s petunias in a week!”

“I meant, trained in combat.”

“Oh.” Xander hadn’t thought about that. “You know, I don’t know if Daisy would make a very good combat cow. She’s really good at carrying stuff, though, including me. And she lies down when it’s gonna rain! Uh, which is actually bad because, the other day? I went out for eggs and it clouded over and we held up the traffic on Western for over an hour.”

“Um, guys?”

Batman seemed glad of Barbara’s interruption. “Apologies, Oracle. What’s the problem?”

“The problem is one Edward E. Nigma.”

“Isn’t he the guy from Dumb and Dumber?” Xander asked.

“No,” Batman replied. “It’s the Riddler.”

Xander had heard of the Riddler, but he didn’t know much about him except that he was as annoying as the Joker and liked to dish out annoying riddles that only succeeded in wasting time when he could have been offing more people. Erm, not that Xander was going to mention that to him.

Batman and Xander swung across Gotham City together using the same line. They both enjoyed the closeness of this, the intimacy and the familiarity of each other’s bodies. Plus, it saved the embarrassment of calling Robin out to untangle them.

Barbara explained the situation to them along the way. The Riddler was holding twenty night staff hostage on the roof of Silly Billy’s Day Care Center. He’d demanded the presence of the Batman and was prepared to dump all the hostages over the side of the building if he didn’t get his way.

“Riddler,” Batman greeted.

“Ahhhh, riddle me this, riddle me that; who’s afraid of the big, black-”

Xander yawned.

“Am I keeping you up, young man?” the Riddler asked.

“Oh, no, sorry.” Xander pointed at his own head. “Rubber hammer. Sleepy.”

The Riddler narrowed his eyes and nodded. “Does it say something that I completely understood that?”

“Uh, it says that…you’re crazy?”

The Riddler shrugged. “You’re probably right. You look like a smart lad. Am I to take it you’re the Bat’s new sidekick, The Dark Swallow?”

“That’s me. But I don’t really know you, so you can call me Master Swallow.”

Batman elbowed him. “Hush.”

Xander was confused. “The twelve issue comic?”

“What? No. Just shush for a minute.”

Xander folded his arms in a mini-snit. “Sorry.”

“What do you want, Riddler?” Batman asked.

“I’ve got a riddle for you, actually. If you think you’re bat enough,” the Riddler goaded.

Batman’s reply was cold and clipped. “I’m all bat. What’s the riddle?”

“I’m big and I’m tough but I’m nothing like you. I’m here and I’m there and I’m definitely not blue. I dance and I shimmer and I…”

Xander yawned again and watched sleepily as several police helicopters landed and transported the hostages away.

“I rush and I blow and I climb all the walls. I come out to play and everyone falls. You know when I’m here because…”

Super villains were so boring. Xander picked at a loose thread on his cape and considered the possibility of changing his brand of bubble bath. He was repeatedly getting an itchy red patch in his left armpit and he’d nearly narrowed it down. It was either his bath products or cheese.

“… What am I?”

“You’re fire!” Xander yelled. There just happened to be a bucket of water by his feet, so Xander picked it up and, on impulse, threw it over the Riddler.

“Kid, that was completely unnecessary! Look at me. I’m cold and I’m dripping and I’m in no way dry. What am I?!”

“Uh, you’re wet?” Xander suggested. It really was a wild guess.

“Correctamundo!!!” the Riddler yelled. “Give Master Swallow a cigar! Now, pray tell me why you felt the need to assault me in such a fashion.”

“Umm, I thought your riddle was fire? Hey, it was an easy mistake to make, right, Batman?”

Batman looked at him and then at a disgusted Riddler. “Maybe not, Dark Swallow. Consider the clues: Big and tough but not like me. Not blue. Dancing and shimmering. Climbing walls and coming out… MY GOD!”

“What, what?!?” Xander tugged on Batman’s cape. He couldn’t help it; his flash-bangs were caught up.

Batman helped Xander to untangle himself before he fixed the Riddler with a stern glare. “You’re planning to blow up Gotham’s gay pride parade tomorrow!”

The Riddler shook his fist at his oldest adversary. “Foiled!! Damn you, Batman.”

“There’s only one thing for it,” Batman continued. “We’ll have to cancel the parade and reschedule for next Wednesday.”

The Riddler sagged in his puddle. “Oh, nuts.”

And thus the day and the parade were saved.

It was late by the time Xander and Batman arrived back at the Batcave. Xander secured Daisy the Batcow in her Batshed and peeled off his costume. Batman had already gone up to the main part of the manor and Xander was keen to join him. He pulled on his jeans and a clean t-shirt and made his way up.

As he passed the main hallway, Xander glanced at the scattering of cardboard boxes. He would unpack them tomorrow. He was tired and, honestly, he couldn’t be bothered. It had been a long day and an even longer night. Today, he’d moved into the Manor. Today, things had become that little bit more permanent.

Xander wandered into the den, where he found Bruce relaxed on the couch in front of a crackling fire. Bruce’s sock-covered feet were propped up on the coffee table. Xander smiled and crossed the room to join him. He’d given those socks to Bruce for his birthday. “Hey.”

Bruce closed the paper and folded it. He leaned away from Xander to drop it over the side, then leaned back to put his arm along the back of the couch. Xander snuggled in and closed his eyes at the sensation of Bruce’s arm closing around his shoulders.

“That was a close call,” Bruce said. He wasn’t referring to the Riddler, who was now safely locked behind the doors of Arkham Asylum and scheduled for escape in twenty three days. What he was referring to had happened on the way back home when one hundred genetically engineered monkeys escaped from an old warehouse and ran totally amok, stealing hats and ooking at Gotham’s terrified but amused residents.

“Yeah, it was.” Xander’s chin was tipped up as Bruce’s lips just barely brushed his.

“You did really well tonight – exceptionally so,” Bruce said when he pulled back.

Xander’s eyes popped open. “Really?” He grinned, pleased at the high praise.

Bruce nodded. “Really. We make a good team.”

Peanut the Batmonkey dragged his knuckles through the den with a flustered Alfred in tow.

“Thanks for letting me keep one,” Xander said.

Bruce sighed and defiantly ignored Alfred’s glare. “I think you know I’d give you anything you asked for.” He gently stroked the slight bump on the side of Xander’s head.

“The only thing I really want is you.” Bruce kissed him and Xander snuggled closer still. “Oh, and an Xbox 360. And a first edition Spiderman No. 1. And a pizza; I’m kinda hungry. And, you know, I really want to know what the deal with Lost is. That show is driving me crazy...”


THE END!!!!