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The last thing Xander expected to find in Gotham’s largest graveyard in the dead of night was people. Live ones, at least. The dead were pretty abundant and totally expected.
The lack of vampires was a nice change, although getting used to that lackage took time and practice. During the first half an hour that Xander warily wandered the graves, he tried to stake two rabbits and a goat. He didn’t, though. Although he did ponder the presence of the goat.
Anyway, I’ve digressed from the story. I do that sometimes. The little voice in my head takes over and before I know it I’m rambling on about tampons and practical jokes involving ketchup. Saying that, I’d like to point out there is no ketchup in this story, although the odd tampon might pop up here and there.
Goat aside, the graveyard was dark and spooky, much like the rest of Gotham. It unnerved Xander to be creeping about such a place. Bad vibes hummed through his skull and chilled him to the bone. Xander quickened his pace. The sooner he found the super duper, special, only-grows-in-Gotham-graveyards rose, the sooner he could be on his way and back to the relative safety of Sunnydale. And the next time Giles wanted him to travel across America to get a spell ingredient, Xander would tell him exactly what Spike had previously told him – stick it up your bloody arse and find some other mug.
Lost in thought, Xander didn’t see the man or his friend until he fell over them.
“Oh, gods, I’m sorry. Are you okay? Did I hurt you? I’m really sorry. And, jeez, I’ve spilled my flask all over the headstone and…why do you have a shovel? Why is there earth everywhere? Is this your grave? Well, obviously not <i>your</i> grave because, hey, you’re alive and…coming towards me with the shovel. Two shovels. Hey, now, I don’t want any trouble. You can just go back to your grave robbing or necrophilia or whatever it is you’re doing and I’ll just be on my way to call the police from a safe distance.” Xander clapped a hand over his mouth. He had a sneaking suspicion he’d said too much.
“Come back here, you little bastard!!!” screamed one of the bad, bad men.
Oh, yeah, Xander had run for his life at this point, by the way. He might be a little gullible, have questionable dress sense and a penchant for naked men in cowboy hats but he wasn’t stupid.
As Xander ran and tried to make sense of his life - and the pornographic movie he’d watched last night - as it flashed before his eyes, he became suddenly aware of an ominous presence. There was a swish of fabric behind him and Xander turned just in time to see a bat-shaped man descend on the bad guys.
“Hey, it’s you again!”
The bat in the spandex turned briefly towards the voice and immediately wished he hadn’t. “Oh, merciful…”
“So, you do this for a living?” Xander asked.
“No.” The bat-creature handcuffed the two terrified men and dragged them to their feet. “Don’t you have a home to go to? This is a dangerous place.”
Xander was turned on by the deep, gravelly voice. “Huh? Oh, home, yeah…I have one of those.”
“Then go back to it.” The caped crime-fighter pushed the two grave-robbers forward and began marching them out of the cemetery.
“Hey, wait!”
“Yes?”
“I don’t even know who you are.”
“I’m Batman.”
“Well, thanks, Batman.”
Batman nearly smiled. No, honestly, it’s true. He did. I have photographic evidence. Okay, I don’t, but he did.
“You’re welcome.”
“Oh, and Batman?”
“Yes?”
“Your shoes are untied.”
Batman looked down at his boots “Really? But my laces are pre-programmed to stay tied until I punch in a release code… Rats.”
“Gotcha!!!!”
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Suki Blue Fiction